Life’s simple solution, trying a digital detox, and affinity groups
Ellipses… Issue 45
Ellipses… a small, special character. Used by writers to slow down, create a pause, and indicate thinking.
⚫️ 1 thought: It’s simpler than we think 🪶
It’s been a hell of a year for me, but let’s not get into that just now. Despite all my lowest lows and traumadrama, and despite all of the silveriest of silver linings that stemmed from these, my life just hums along. I find myself more content and at peace than I ever expected after this year.
Here, in my quiet and vacant days as of late, I realize that life is simple:
When relationships explode, we find solace in reciprocated vulnerability elsewhere.
In the throes of illness, we feel peace when we connect with others going through it.
Existential crises get quelled under wood tables filled with cups of coffee and London fogs and pumpkin spice lattes.
Children know so much about basic human connection. We can learn a lot from them.
Life is hard. But friendship, family, groups, and community make it better. All we really need is to be seen and heard and understood and validated by people we see, hear, understand, and validate. It’s that simple.
We cannot define ourselves by our job, income, religion, gender, race, religion, marital status, parental status. We are not our paycheck. We are not our car. We are not our neglected YouTube channels.
Self-worth is intrinsic—and may have to be excavated from the depths of your soul with the help of a licensed therapist—but it all gets hammered in with connection. While lack of connection can lead to stagnation and isolation, healthy connections can cement a sense of balanced self worth.
Because I know how difficult it can be to find meaningful friendships in adulthood, here are some tips that I use, no matter how awkward they may feel:
Ask for coffee dates. Do you see or chat with someone regularly who seems like a nice person? Set up a 1:1 coffee, lunch, or walk with coworkers or neighborhood folks to get to know them a bit better. The 1-on-1 setting may help you feel more comfortable to go deep with a person, especially if you’re an introvert.
Search for affinity groups. Love embroidery? Go to a local sewing shop to see if they offer classes or can offer recommendations. Like trail running? Go to a trailhead on the regular to see if you might start to see repeat people. (That last one sounds like stalking, but really if you just make an honest connection with one friendly person, you may be able to eek out a running group from their brain.)
Ask your therapist about groups. Group therapy works for a reason. Or—if you need or have needed support in a particular arena, these support groups can also help you surround yourself with people who share similar goals.
Keep up with old friends. Group texts need not apply. Try a phone call (gasp) if you don’t live close to one another anymore. Otherwise, grab lunch on the regular. Plus, you never know who you’ll meet through old friends. I say this over and over again, but once you meet a friendship keyholder (mine is Chrystina), you may start to collect more and more good eggs through that person.
Ugh—I realize this became an advice column. Pardon my unsolicited advice. But, I know how real this is, and I see my nearest and dearest struggle with this. And I also know how I feel when I isolate versus when I put myself out there and keep those lunch dates. Anyway, I hope it helps. Let me know how you’ve found your people or what you might struggle with.
⚫️ 1 link: A digital reset 🔗
Cal Newport’s podcast, Deep Questions, proves to be my favorite publication as of late. This particular episode (Ep 266 of Deep Questions) hits on digital habit decluttering AND his take on the “Friendship Recession.” A kismet share.
⚫️ 1 journal prompt: Your personal interests 📔
Think about all of the things you like to do and how you could look for affinity groups from that. For example:
Mr. Brio just bought me a Traveler’s Notebook and it’s pretty much all I talk about lately (besides The Eras Tour). I could look for a journaling, planning, or scrapbooking group.
In the name of sustainable fashion and being frugal, I started to visibly mend my clothes. I could try to connect with embroiders, quilters, or artists.
I write Substack newsletters from time to time. A writer’s group could be fun.
Thanks for getting to the bottom and being on this journey alongside of me. I appreciate it so much.
Hit reply or comment on the post to chat further on any of the above.
Be safe and well,
🖤 Jenny