Choose not to hate yourself

Ellipses, Apr 12… Issue #43

Ellipses… a small, special character. Used by writers to slow down, create a pause, and indicate thinking.

⚫️ Rewriting automatic thoughts in acts of self-love (sans spa day) 🪶

It’s easy to kill them with kindness. Spread joy all over other people like soft butter on a baguette.

But what about yourself? Can you kill yourself with kindness?

Before you cancel me and raise the red flag on a poorly worded mental health thing: Read on. It’s small acts of “self-love” like this that can rewrite the automatic self-hatred that we often experience.

A week ago, I took the morning off from work to take my boys to their annual wellness doctor’s visit. (The PCP appointment was on the calendar for nearly 4 months because of how this crazy parenting world works.)

Some added complexity? I had my new weekly coffee meetup on the same morning. And I just started a new job this past month. So in the name of trying to make life easier, I decided I’d just attempt to juggle everything and win. Right? A little self-prescribed mandatory friend time, plus working harder later in the day to make up for lost time? AND get my kids’ health checked and off to school by 10am? Sure. I can do this.

More context: My calendar is my religion. I live and die by it, expect everyone else in my house to subscribe to it (literally and figuratively). I chastise others for asking me what’s happening on any given day by barking back, “It’s in the calendar!”

That morning, I pat myself on the back for the huge win. I drove back from my weekly coffee time in the city and called Mr. Brio, asking him to have the boys outside with their backpacks in time for me to scoop them up and bring them to their doctor’s appointment so we could arrive early.

Done. A well-oiled family machine. We’re 5 minutes away from the doctor and I get a call. It’s the doctor’s office. Hmm. They ask for the older kid.

In a sing-song voice, I say, “Yes, hi! We’re actually on our way and will be there very soon for our 9:30 appointment.”

“Your appointment was at 9.”

It was 9:10. We were 5 minutes away from me landing the chaos plane safely in its runway.

“Right, no, our appointment is at 9:30. We’re on our way,” I say.

Without hesitation, she says, “No, it was at 9.”

And then the “oh shit” rushed up my body from my stomach through my perma-tense shoulders, up my neck, and to my face. We missed our appointment. I misread my own bible of a calendar.

In that moment, I had the automatic choice to hate myself for making a mistake. How could I do such a stupid thing? The appointment was in the calendar for months. And I swatted away text and email appointment reminders like a pro.

Or I had the opportunity to shrug, pay the missed appointment fee, and reschedule.

For what might be the first time in my life, I chose the latter. I shrugged, and in a lighthearted voice I tell the boys, “Hey guys! Mommy made a mistake. No doctor’s appointment today after all. Let’s go to school instead.”

In that moment, I realized how much these they won’t care about these memories. In fact, they probably just sighed in relief because they escaped the day without any booster shots.

But had I reacted in my automatic, self-punishing way? Cut to the scene where I pull over to the side of the road, check all of my emails and calendars and texts and shout at them for interrupting me while I’m trying to solve a mystery that was really just an honest mistake, and then call my spouse yelling at him and myself simultaneously in denial and projection. Then the memory might’ve stuck with them forever.

Surprise, surprise. This small act of choosing the route of lightness felt really good.

⚫️ 1 link: Another act of self-kindness 🔗

Make it simple. Treat yourself to your favorite music.

⚫️ 1 journal prompt: How do you punish yourself? 📔

Work too much? Push your nose in your failure? Deny yourself of something you love? Reflect.

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Thanks for reading!

Hit reply or comment on the post to chat further on any of the above. I love to hear from you. See you next week.

Be safe and well,

🖤 Jenny